Staying Emotionally Connected

Marriages that are based on a 50-50 relationship are not likely to last very long. A healthy marriage requires 100-100. A powerful lesson I learned many years ago is that your 100% today will be quite different than your 100% yesterday or than the 100% you are going to be able to give tomorrow. The point is that you are trying your absolute best each day. There are times that you can give a little more than your partner and there are days when you'll need your spouse to help pick you up. There is always give and take in marriage and comprise but the deeper our relationship is on a friendship and emotional level, the better off we are at understanding each other's needs.

There are going to be times that our spouses are driving us crazy and times that we are driving them crazy. If we do not have ways to connect and express forgiveness then those difficult times can take over. Brigham Young's advice was asked for by two sisters who were each seeking to divorce their husbands. He responded with, "If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him."

We only worship the Lord but as we see our husbands and wives as God sees them, then we are better able to serve them as our companion for life. President Howard W. Hunter has taught, "whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives." Our lives must be centered on Jesus Christ and we must regularly pray to our Father in Heaven. Only they can help us to see our spouses as they will become in the eternities. 

This is not easy and how do we actually apply the things we have learned?

John Gottman has offered Four Pillars of Shared Meaning:

1. Pillar One: Rituals of Connection

How do you connect to your spouse on a regular basis? Do you make a point to share a passionate kiss before you part ways in the morning? Do you call or text each other throughout the day? Do you freshen up before seeing each other after a long day? Do you share a cup of tea or cocoa before bed as you talk about your day? There are so many ways to connect each day. But we cannot underestimate the power of family traditions around celebrations throughout the year such as anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. In my family, the birthday person gets to choose where to go for dinner or what to have at home. We celebrate with small presents and birthday cards.

2. Pillar Two: Support for Each Other's Roles

We need to have similar views on our roles as husband and wife and as mother and father. These will not always match but many disagreements can be avoided if the conversation is open without hostility. Perhaps there are chores around the house you dislike or expectations your spouse grew up having in their home and now as a married couple you are developing your own ideas about the family roles. My mom stayed home and created a clean, organized home for our family but she could count on my dad to call on his way home from work to check and see if she needed anything from the store. This prevented her from taking four young children to the store for a gallon of milk. Other families have different ways of fulfilling the roles of the family but there needs to be understanding between you as a couple.

3. Pillar Three: Shared Goals

This is one of my favorite pillars because I love to set goals and I have loved watching as my fiance and I talk about goals we would like to have for our family. I have also loved seeing that even if our goals are different, they seem to parallel and we are willing to support the other in their goals. He values my ideas and goals and I find joy in knowing that he is fulfilling his dream. We both love to work hard and recognize that the ways we work will influence our children. The knowledge that our goals and work ethic will impact our children adds a measure of depth to our shared goals.

4. Pillar Four: Shared Values and Symbols

These can by actual symbols in your home or in a more abstract way. Most LDS families have pictures of temples or of stories from the scriptures to teach their children and remind each other about the promises they have made to each other and to God. Abstract symbols can be an heirloom piece of jewelry to remember a grandmother and remember her sacrifice or an old car that your great-grandfather helped you to work on before he passed away to symbolize hard work and sharing hobbies with those you love.

There are many ways we can turn toward each other and build a happy marriage so long as we are willing to give 100% of ourselves and if that 100% is different today than it was yesterday then that is OK! 

In what ways do you turn to your spouse? Do you have traditions that bring you closer together? What are they? How do you support each other in your roles?