Humility in Marriage

Pride. I think that it is something that we have fought since the fall and will continue to fight until we leave this earth. President Ezra Taft Benson said, "Pride is the universal sin." To me, if pride is universal then it spans time and all cultures. It is something that affects all people no matter your social status or age - but there is an antidote! 

Humility. Humility is also possible to feel no matter your social standing or job description. Humility does not come easily and as soon we think we've got it, we lose it. Pride, to me, is part of the fall and we are all going to experience it simply because it is part of our carnal nature. However, Heavenly Father has provided a Savior and He performed the Atonement so that we can be forgiven and perfected through Them. 

Here is a beautiful video about humility and love:

In marriage, we especially need that forgiveness from our spouses. We all say and do things we wish we hadn't. We all pass judgment and are selfish at times. And we fall into the trap of self-pity and self-conceit during our lives. And so do our spouses.

I am at the beginning of my relationship with my soon-to-be eternal companion and right now, it is easy to forgive each other and look past our shortcomings. But from the interview a few weeks ago with someone who has been married for at least 10 years, I learned that there comes a time when those shortcomings are harder to forgive because they've been happening for years. I wonder how much heartache could be spared if we simply forgave more often and sought humility.

A dear friend of mine shares her key to finding (or staying with) your eternal companion with one word: Humility. And both parties must be practicing humility! If you/they are humble, then you/they are teachable and able to be influenced. If you/they are humble, then you/they forgive. If you/they are humble, then you can both come to decisions together as a couple without pride getting in the way.

Of course, humility is meekness and submissiveness but that does not mean weakness. Humility means repentance and true change for the better. Humility means forgiveness and a chance for more loving relationships between husband and wife and children. Humility means admitting to mistakes and being honest. Humility means being Christlike and keeping the commandments of God. Humility is a choice.

One final quote:

How are you choosing to be humble? How do you see pride sneaking its way into your relationships and your life? In what ways do you recognize it and then how to do you apply the Atonement to find humility again?

Staying Emotionally Connected

Marriages that are based on a 50-50 relationship are not likely to last very long. A healthy marriage requires 100-100. A powerful lesson I learned many years ago is that your 100% today will be quite different than your 100% yesterday or than the 100% you are going to be able to give tomorrow. The point is that you are trying your absolute best each day. There are times that you can give a little more than your partner and there are days when you'll need your spouse to help pick you up. There is always give and take in marriage and comprise but the deeper our relationship is on a friendship and emotional level, the better off we are at understanding each other's needs.

There are going to be times that our spouses are driving us crazy and times that we are driving them crazy. If we do not have ways to connect and express forgiveness then those difficult times can take over. Brigham Young's advice was asked for by two sisters who were each seeking to divorce their husbands. He responded with, "If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him."

We only worship the Lord but as we see our husbands and wives as God sees them, then we are better able to serve them as our companion for life. President Howard W. Hunter has taught, "whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives." Our lives must be centered on Jesus Christ and we must regularly pray to our Father in Heaven. Only they can help us to see our spouses as they will become in the eternities. 

This is not easy and how do we actually apply the things we have learned?

John Gottman has offered Four Pillars of Shared Meaning:

1. Pillar One: Rituals of Connection

How do you connect to your spouse on a regular basis? Do you make a point to share a passionate kiss before you part ways in the morning? Do you call or text each other throughout the day? Do you freshen up before seeing each other after a long day? Do you share a cup of tea or cocoa before bed as you talk about your day? There are so many ways to connect each day. But we cannot underestimate the power of family traditions around celebrations throughout the year such as anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays. In my family, the birthday person gets to choose where to go for dinner or what to have at home. We celebrate with small presents and birthday cards.

2. Pillar Two: Support for Each Other's Roles

We need to have similar views on our roles as husband and wife and as mother and father. These will not always match but many disagreements can be avoided if the conversation is open without hostility. Perhaps there are chores around the house you dislike or expectations your spouse grew up having in their home and now as a married couple you are developing your own ideas about the family roles. My mom stayed home and created a clean, organized home for our family but she could count on my dad to call on his way home from work to check and see if she needed anything from the store. This prevented her from taking four young children to the store for a gallon of milk. Other families have different ways of fulfilling the roles of the family but there needs to be understanding between you as a couple.

3. Pillar Three: Shared Goals

This is one of my favorite pillars because I love to set goals and I have loved watching as my fiance and I talk about goals we would like to have for our family. I have also loved seeing that even if our goals are different, they seem to parallel and we are willing to support the other in their goals. He values my ideas and goals and I find joy in knowing that he is fulfilling his dream. We both love to work hard and recognize that the ways we work will influence our children. The knowledge that our goals and work ethic will impact our children adds a measure of depth to our shared goals.

4. Pillar Four: Shared Values and Symbols

These can by actual symbols in your home or in a more abstract way. Most LDS families have pictures of temples or of stories from the scriptures to teach their children and remind each other about the promises they have made to each other and to God. Abstract symbols can be an heirloom piece of jewelry to remember a grandmother and remember her sacrifice or an old car that your great-grandfather helped you to work on before he passed away to symbolize hard work and sharing hobbies with those you love.

There are many ways we can turn toward each other and build a happy marriage so long as we are willing to give 100% of ourselves and if that 100% is different today than it was yesterday then that is OK! 

In what ways do you turn to your spouse? Do you have traditions that bring you closer together? What are they? How do you support each other in your roles?

Love and Admiration

This week's readings were about love and admiration. These two concepts and feelings seem to come easily at the beginning of a relationship. There is quite a bit of wooing and courtship that happens in the beginning. She sparkles when she talks about him, he holds the door for her, she can't wait to show everyone her engagement ring and he brags to his friends about how pretty see is. Is this looking at the relationship through rose-colored glasses or is this type of feeling something that should continue through the duration of a marriage?

I am currently in the wooing stage and I love it :) We have been together for just about 9 months now and are eagerly and excitedly looking forward to our marriage in a few months. He still opens my door and brags to all of his friends and I still get butterflies in my stomach when I get to tell people about our story of how we met, the perfection of his proposal and the ring he saved so much for (which of course I don't know the amount ;), and the excitement and blessing it is to call him mine for eternity. 

However, I realize without a lot of work this won't always be the case. I know that life is going to continue to get us down and we are going to learn more about each other within the first year of marriage than we may want to. But I also know that with complete trust and faith in the Lord and by continually looking to Him, we can have a marriage where our love deepens and we grow closer together rather than becoming strangers living in the same house.

I have known both sorts of couples. I have watched as couples that are celebrating their 15 or 20 year anniversaries still sparkle like they just got married. I have seen couples that do not know what it means to have a "hard" marriage because their biggest fight has been about who should have won American Idol. Sadly, I have also seen couples who cannot have a conversation about the weather without it turning into a fight or causing contention.

I prefer to look at those couples who haven't left the honeymoon stage and ask what they are doing rather than looking at those couples on the brink of divorce and ask what they are not doing. 

I love this quote from H. Wallace Goddard who said, "In striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly) giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood."

What does that mean and how can we apply it to our marriage? I believe there are core principles that must be applied on a daily basis in order to be 'in favor of the charity of Godhood' and to 'give up our egocentrisms of childhood'.

We must be:

Humble

Forgiving

Loving

Christlike

Trusting and trustworthy

Joyful

Fun

Grateful

And we must show:

Love

Adoration

Appreciation

Do we truly cherish our spouse? Do we love the fact that she gets up and makes us breakfast in the mornings? Do we appreciate that he takes care of the car maintenance? Do we recognize the sacrifice she is making to bear children for our family? Do we realize that he is losing sleep to help a child that procrastinated a project?

I love the quote by the Prophet Gordon B. Hinckley who said, "Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are apart of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another."

In what ways have you noticed or are you strengthening your marriage by increasing your love and adoration for your spouse? What attributes would you add to my "to be" and "to show" list?

Agency and Friendship

There are threats all around us individually, as couples, and as families that can easily burden us down. We are constantly being told by 'experts' how and what to think, how we should react in various situations, and the best way to accomplish all sorts of things. We are bombarded with DIY lists, gimmicks on how to be skinny or healthy, and 'get rich quick' schemes that can easily overwhelm us. Not to mention the enormous amount of turmoil in the world. There are wars and rumors of wars, addictions, job and work related stress, political and economic unrest, etc. This high level of stress can cause great strain in our relationships. 

Yet we all possess a very powerful tool that can impact those relationships for better or for worse.

We all have agency - which is the ability to choose.

We can choose whether we are going to let a stressful day at work impact our home life, we can choose whether we watch the news to be informed or become consumed by it, we have the ability to not bring the wars of the world within the walls of our own homes. Our homes should be a place of refuge and a safe haven from the troubling world.

This is where having a deep, loving and abiding friendship with your spouse can come into play. John Gottman, renowned psychologist, has said that the key to a healthy martial relationship is friendship.

I am certainly not perfect but I do have a few best friends in my life and one of them is my fiancé. We have our disagreements and the stresses of the world and every day life certainly get us down, but at the end of the day, we are still each other's best friends. I realize that we are in a special place in our relationship and that this feeling of love and giddy-ness will certainly ebb and flow, but we hope, pray, and work every day to make sure that our friendship stays strong.

He is someone I love, someone I can trust, someone I can laugh with and someone I can cry with. We have our struggles, as all couples do, but we are willing to put aside our pride and work together. Humility has become one of the greatest lessons I have learning being in the relationship of my life.

In our relationship, we are certainly and actively trying to put into play John Gottman's quote, "When you hurt, the world stops and I listen."