Creating Your Own Marriage Identity

A marriage is difficult enough because two people from different backgrounds are coming together and trying to figure out their new life. There are habits, quirks, and pet peeves. There are expectations and fears that may have not been discussed during the courtship and engagement. Add all of those together and then add the pressures of an 'in-law' family. The family "rules" and expectations can be overwhelming if you did not grow up in a similar setting as your spouse (and you probably didn't!) but that does not mean that your marriage is doomed to fail or that you can't work out your differences.

I love the counsel the Lord gives in Genesis when He says, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." And likewise, the woman should cleave her husband. I love this idea of being sealed to the love of my life and facing the world together like two partners in crime. Yet, that means that both of our dynamics between our parents has to change.

My fiance and I are from opposite sides of the country and that meant one of us would have to make a major move. He had an established job and I am just ending school. I want to start a small farm/homestead for our family which means that the cost of land would factor into where we would move. We both decided it would be best to not live right next to one of our families. So when the opportunity came for us to move to Missouri - right in the middle of the country - we prayed about it and decided to take it. Just two weeks ago he started working there and I will follow him after we are married in a month. The first half of March included lots of driving and moving our things across many state lines in order to meet in the middle. I got to experience quite a bit of this moving about with his grandparents and had flashbacks during this week's readings about leaving home and beginning this new life of clinging to each other. 

We are scared because of the new changes but we know that it is what the Lord wants and are excited to follow His lead for our very new family. We know our families will miss us but we feel that it is what is best for us as a new couple. I am really close to my mom and he has a great relationship with his dad, so there are going to be quite a bit of learning opportunities within the next few months for us specifically to put this scripture into practice and cleave to one another. 

Couple and Family Councils

Almost two years ago I had the opportunity to live with a strong LDS family while I completed my internship. I worked on a fully functioning farm the supported the farmer, his wife and their four young children (they were not LDS). One more than one occasion the farmer mentioned that he and his wife had a marriage council of sorts on a week on Tuesday evenings. They made sure their phones were turned off and their children were in bed. They would discuss their goals as a couple, as a family, and the farm business that sustained their family. They would make themselves a nice cup of coffee, curl up on the couch together and make the evening enjoyable. This was in addition to their weekly dates. Meanwhile, at the home I was living at, I felt like I had become part of the family. On Sundays, usually about once a month, I was invited to their family "calendaring" session. They would discuss the father's work schedule, the mother's school goals (she was completing a degree online and homeschooling the children), and the children's school or church events. They would also set goals as a family and even planned a vacation so long as they met their goal that month.

Needless to say, I was extremely impressed with both of these families and their dedication to each other as a couple and as a family. I enjoyed watching the family I lived with and their interactions with their children. Their oldest was just starting seminary and their youngest living child was eight years old. I loved how there was respect and love obvious between the parents and the children. It was clear that the parents had the final say but the children voiced their opinions and ideas kindly and respectfully. 

From these two examples and after the readings this week I truly hope to have effective family and marriage councils. My fiance and I have already talked about it and we would like to have a couple council where we discuss goals and plans for our family but we also want to have weekly dates that we will try hard to keep 'business' out of and instead focus on getting to know each other better. I love this quote by President Joseph F. Smith and I truly feel that my fiance and I have a relationship like this and I hope it continues!

"Parents… should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time.  The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect.  The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children… The wife, also, should treat the husband with the greatest respect and courtesy.  Her words to him should not be keen and cutting and sarcastic.  She should not pass slurs or insinuations at him… Then it will be easy for the parents to instill into the hearts of their children not only love for their fathers and their mothers, not only respect and courtesy towards their parents, but love and courtesy and deference between the children at home  (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, pp. 283–284)."

Intimacy in Marriage

The first commandment given to man in all of time is found in Genesis 1:28:

"Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth"

Likewise, I believe the best marriage counsel ever given is found in the second chapter of Genesis verse 24 as Heavenly Father is presenting Eve to Adam. The Lord commands:

1) "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother"

2) "and shall cleave unto his wife"

3) "and they shall be one flesh"

We must recognize the significance of these two verses in the very beginning of our sacred text to know that sexual intimacy is not just a way to bring children into the world, but that it is a commandment to bring husband and wife closer together.

President Spencer W. Kimball has said, "The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His commandment to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply." 

As with all things sacred, Satan is quick to distort and destroy and today sexual impurity is rampant. We cannot go to the grocery store without being bombarded. Our children can quickly and accidentally navigate to pornographic material on our smart phones. We must constantly be on guard and be prepared to combat the evils that the adversary throws at us each day.

I am going to be married soon (59 days but whose counting? :) and I have had lots of questions about sexual intimacy. I have known all about the "don't's" before marriage but still wonder about the "yes's" after marriage. I know that it will be a way for my husband and I to become closer, I know that it is right after we are married, and I really appreciated this week's readings in my search to prepare for marriage. I hope that through these readings, my future husband and I can strengthen our own marriage and also prepare to know how to teach our children.

Charity in Marriage

This week in our readings we learned about charity and the importance of this specific attribute in our marriages. Moroni, a Book of Mormon prophet, teaches us that “if [we] have not charity, [we] are nothing” (Moroni 7:44). We can have faith, be meek and lowly, be humble, be hopeful, be forgiving, etc. but if we do not have charity then we are nothing.

In verse 46 of that same chapter, we are promised, “Charity never faileth.” Wow! Imagine if we applied this in our relationships and in our marriages. If we were to have charity in our marriage, the chances of it failing drop drastically. And why is that?

Because charity is the pure love of Christ.

If we take verse 45 and replace “Christ” with where it references “charity” we would find, “Christ suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not [his] own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in inquitiy but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things…cleave unto Christ, for all things must fail – but Christ…endureth forever and whoso is found possessed of [Him] at the last day, it shall be well with him.”

If we are to be Christ like and develop charity then we can possess all of these attributes, especially in regards to our spouse. We will suffer long with and for them, we will be kind, we will not envy, we won’t be puffed up or prideful, and we won’t be selfish. No matter what our spouse may do, we won’t be easily provoked nor will we think evil of them. We will rejoice in the truth and truly live, “it does not matter who is right but what is right.” With charity, we will bear all the burdens that come to us in marriage, we will believe our spouses and believe in the covenants we made with them and Heavenly Father, we can have hope in those promises and ultimately, we will be able to endure to the end to reach exaltation, which is only possible with our eternal companion.

Please see the story of John and Annie Glenn for a tender story about charity in marriage.

In what ways have you expressed charity to your spouse and loved ones? How can you change your heart to be a better wife/husband and friend?

Finding Unity through Consecration

According to the LDS Guide to the Scriptures, consecration is "to dedicate, to make holy, or to become righteous." 

In the book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" Dr. Goddard states, "Living the law of consecration moves us from gospel hobbyists to career disciples." Yet, "The law of consecration is foreign to the natural man."

The Book of Mormon says, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father" (Mosiah 3:19, italics added).

So, how can we apply this to our relationships and our marriages? Some may feel overwhelmed and unsure of their ability to live according to the law of consecration - and we should! We simply cannot become the men and women that our Father in Heaven wants us to become without His help and the help of His Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I would encourage you to honestly ask yourself:

Am I dedicated to the Lord?

Am I dedicated to the covenants I have made with the Lord and my spouse?

Do I desire to make my home and marriage holy?

Am I daily seeking to become more righteous?

Am I putting off the natural man?

I believe that consecration is about humility. It is about realizing that all things come from God, even and especially your spouse. According to Dr. John Gottman, 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual - meaning that the conflict is the same no matter how many years have passed. Imagine what would happen to our world if couples applied the principle of humility in their marriages? Would the perpetual problems of the toilet seat that is never in the right position or the toothpaste tube that isn't used the 'right' way be a problem? Would the larger questions of when or how many children to have or how we are going to show our devotion to God be as big of a concern if we simply practiced humility?

When there is humility there is meekness, love, hope, forgiveness, concern for one another, and a desire to see the other person's perspective. Humility is certainly not easy; it is a constant battle between our carnal selves and the spiritual giants we were in the pre-earth life.

President James E. Faust has said, "The Lord requires us “to forgive all men” for our own good because “hatred retards spiritual growth.” ("The Healing Power of Forgiveness", 2007).

I love these two videos regarding marriage. The world is looking to us and we must have strong marriages for them to look to.

How are you becoming a career disciple? Are you still stuck as a gospel hobbyist? How have you applied humility in your relationships?